Have you ever heard of someone saying “First time ko ‘to e.” or “Paano ba ito? Hindi ko alam.”
Well, it is natural for newbies who are gays, bisexuals, or gender fluids to feel anxious towards dating that don’t understand.
This happens because our cultural norms that is deeply rooted from religious practices had resulted to people thinking and believing that gay or same-sex relationships are different, eccentric, and more complex than heterosexual, straight ones, but it doesn’t IRL.
There is only a certain amount of openness that most same-sex couples are much willing to explore and experience.
Same sex relationships do not confine itself in a box of rules and contracts that may or may not be accepted socially.
Commonly, during the relationship, conflicts like rejection, isolation and stereotypes may come at play, (this is difficult and rough) but many gay couples will still choose happiness, pleasure, freedom, and adventure as core values. This idea of care-free love is still not a part of our system (even until today).
Hence, feeling jumpy on your first date is normal, it should be addressed immediately, but we suggest taking things slow and allowing yourself to be immersed in the heat of the situation until romance outstands your worry.
If your natural instincts are still not enough to survive the situation here are things you must know and consider to have a long-lasting and happy relationship with you partner.
1. Sex is on top of almost everything.
It is not that sex is the only thing or that the relationship is all about sex. But sex in gay couples is like a sacred ceremony, it is meaningful and purposeful. It is the reminiscent of the promise.
Sex is one of the domains where the couple can be themselves. This is where partners build trust, communicate bodily, step outside of your comfort zone and explore each other’s strengths and weaknesses and exist as one.
Moreover, sex in gays is not hierarchical, they may take on roles such as who’s top or bottom but both partners don’t see this as who’s the boss and a slave. (well, it is relative, for some may be hot for dominant-subordinate roles.) but the point is, it is not about ego or masculinity or power play, both respects and acknowledges each other’s sexual needs, pleasure and orgasm points or fetishes then act on it to get things done.
Give ample time for foreplays, intimate kisses, and exploration of each other’s body. Everything must be versatile and fulfilling. Sex for gay couples must always feel like the first time.
2. Communicate Differences and Compromise
You’re similar in sex yes but not in personality. Like straight couples, differences of both parties must be settled and communicated to resolve on agreements that will benefit everyone.
You may be openly gay to your family and friends, but it does not mean that you will meet someone that is as open as you.
You may be okay for public display of affection, but your partner may not enjoy it. Our expectations towards our partners must be in accordance with the place where you and your partner can meet along the process. Having gay relationship is like walking in a tightrope, one wrong step can make the walker fall.
So, sit down and communicate your differences and map out areas where you can show support and vice versa. You can also determine activities that you are willing to try for your partner and things that your partner can do for you.
Here are some situations where gay couples most likely need to compromise:
- Meeting partner’s family (especially the conservative ones)
- Hanging out with your partner’s friends
- Holding hands or hugging (showing affection) publicly
- Giving gifts and throwing surprises (especially if it may catch public attention)
- Supporting each other’s hobbies and interests
- Having a child and establishing a family
- Living under the same roof
- Opening the relationship to other people (some gay couples enjoy opening their relationship sexually to other participants, swinging or other non-monogamous forms of dating)
- HIV status and awareness
3. Assessing the environment is a must.
Not all people can accept the set-up, hence not all places are safe for you and your partner.
Assessing where to display your love and hold your partner and act casually is very important in the relationship. Your love and pride are not in question here, you must remember that not all people are worthy of the fight, or if you and your partner deserve the hate.
Your priority must always be your partner’s safety. Acknowledge varying people reactions and plan. The only way to get along with these difficulties is together, so do not leave your partner especially in a dangerous and tight situation that may affect him negatively.
4. Other Applied tips when Gay dating for the First time
There is no assurance that a first date may grow and foster as a happy same-sex relationship. But still here are some tips to up your dating game for a happy and stable affair.
- If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, going after straight guys are less likely. It may be possible for straight guys to fall in love with trans-femmes/women and be happily together. But it is rare to find straight men having long term relationships with gay men. It oftentimes ends up hurtful especially when straight men replace you with a natural woman. Long-lasting gay relationships were commonly found in bisexual males or gays that still acts mostly masculine. But hey, nothing is impossible in love.
- Do not chat or text other men when you’re in a date. Whether you two met a dating app, or you’re both exploring, turning it off while you’re with somebody is a noble gesture and a positive first move.
- First date? Do not add your date as an FB friend yet. Don’t put yourself in an awkward situation of “should I unfriend, unfollow or blocked him?” – at least if the date does not work, there’s no single string attached. But do not ghost, if things won’t work out, communicate it.
- Be prepared for a polyamorous relationship. Some gay couples are head to toe down for polyamory, well not all, but most find pleasure and happiness when having romantic and sexual relationships with more than one person. If you’re not into this, you can just be honest with your date and walk away. But if you too are curious and up for the adventure, just make sure to use protection. Sex is more fun when it is healthy and honest.
Like straight people, gay partners are not safe with cheating, rebounds, and objectification. The biggest advice that WeInform can give young gays out there is to love and care for yourself enough before wishing to build a romantic relationship with another. Communicate your wants and needs and be prepared to walk away especially in situations when you felt used, disgraced, disrespected, and harmed.
This society is not a Boy love series or an M2M Wattpad story, it is much tougher out there, so do not let media affect your expectations of love and who to love. And if by chance you find someone you can cherish forever, please make sure that you protect each other, you love unconditionally and recognize each other’s highs and lows.
There’s no beginners nor pro in a gay relationship or in any relationship. When we love, we will always go back to square one, so whether you do things the same, or you try something new; if you’re making your partner happy, and you are happy, love conquers all.