Na-ghosting ka na ba? If yes, how to move on?

Photo of author
Written By admin

Giving you your daily dose of fresh articles.

Usually, when we ask “Bakit” in a torn and swindled relationship there is a high possibility that we will not like the answer.

But let’s ask it anyway: Bakit ako na-ghost?

50 percent or more of the millennials have experienced being ghosted and almost the same figure have experienced doing the ghosting.

30 of this 50 have been ghosted and have ghosted another.

Meaning, naranasan nating lahat maiwan at mang-iwan.

For what reason? – Its either hindi natin alam, or pinili na lang nating hindi alamin.

Ghosting can be defined simply as an event or a phenomenon when someone left without a trace, without a last text, call or an e-mail and without even bothering to write a small farewell note on a tissue paper or a whispered explanation to a mutual friend.

Nawalang parang bula, o dumating at umalis na parang multo. Ghost.

Socio-culturally speaking, instances of ghosting resulted from numerous reasons. (although not everything is valid)

  • It is an easy exit to avoid drama. – people in a relationship whether romantic or casual like friendships fears confrontation, conflict, or pure drama. Its avoidance of closed and difficult conversation and anything that shows off too many emotions.
  • There are no consensual feelings. –People ghost because they are wrong. They are wrong in a sense like: “akala ko love”, “akala ko kayang turuan ang puso”, “akala ko hindi naman seryosohan” – the other party may think that you’re both falling in love but, one is falling out if it. So, they ghost.
  • Dating someone who has crush on you. – This is so high school. You learn that someone has a thing for you and the minute you heard about it you act on your impulse to date him or her. Ending, hindi mo naman pala gusto, you just want to validate your self-image and boost your ego.
  • Online fling gone wrong.The trend of online dating gives us the opportunity to increase our possibility of love- mas maraming taya, mas malaki ang chances of winning. However, when the person juggles between dates, this is also a high probability of heart break, especially when you don’t make the cut. Parang local dating reality show lang yan, you think you can trust someone, give your all but it the end you’ll be the one going home. The world is full of fools and traitors, you decide.

Normally, we see ghosting as negative. Well, it is most of the time. But there are instances that ghosting is the only viable choice especially and only in the face of an abusive and mistreating relationship.

But Ghosting, with no valid reason is painful, destructive, and downgrading. Being ghosted feels like all the years of self-care and physical nurturing has come to a waste when we can’t even make someone like us enough to say “goodbye”. 

There are levels of feelings and emotions that we may experience and undergo when we’re ghosted. It is helpful to familiarize yourself to them, para hindi ka na magtanong kung anong nangyayari.

Level 1 Denial: a message not seen for an hour “ay baka tulog pa” , after 12 hours “ay baka may ginawa lang”, 24 hours “ay baka nagpahinga, hindi talaga siya nag-online for a day.

At this stage, we try our best to avoid the fact. We don’t want to worry; we don’t want to look so needy. So, we wait and convince ourselves that someone will call or text back soon, until we finally realize that the one, you’re hoping for is no one.

Level 2 Doubt: “Pangit ba ako?”, “kapalit-palit ba ako”, “mahirap ba akong mahalin”, “high-maintenance ba ako.”

This stage is part of the grieving process. We doubt ourselves, we ask questions and expecting to hear “NO”, we live in pain, lower self esteem and higher anxiety towards what people think. This is our most vulnerable days. It is advisable that we have healthy and positive company with us during this period. Moreover, pampering ourselves with the things we love, and our favorites can distract us from further imbibing sorrow and further degrade our self-worth.

Level 3 Rage: you’re not just angry, you want to confront. This is the stage psychologists are warning about. Especially for the Ghoster. Ghosting is to avoid hostilities however, sometimes it can result into more damaging conversation especially when the ghosted have found ways to get to you but instead of a casual talk, all the frustrations and anger comes in, hence the embarrassment is serious.

Level 4 Reconstruction: No one is ever sure whether we reconstruct positively or negatively. We can nourish and make ourselves better, but some people can be reconstructed as indifferent and emotionally numb and untrusting. Yet, we must encourage everyone to learn from our mistakes.If we trust too easily, we may have a little back notch. Learn to take it slowly next time, make the person you’re dating feel that they are comfortable telling you anything. Take care of yourself more and detach yourself to uncertainties. Learn when and where to bargain for love. This is the stage for acceptance, hope and self-reconstruction.

I have been “ghosted” so what now?

Ghosting is hurtful in every way, physically and mentally.

It is a kind of pain because everything is ambiguous, and unclear.

You don’t know how to react, what to say or thing, you’re worried, you’re questioning every possible thing.

So, how do we get pass it? How can we easily and effectively deal with Ghosting? Here some of the ways:

  • With the digital advancement, seeing your ghost in the social media is certain. Learn to dodge back a little on Social media especially when you are in pain. Allow yourself to rest peacefully without worry and insecurities.
  • Stop browsing back on your old conversations. Wala kang mahahanap doon. Looking for clues or hints that someone is falling out of love only decreases your self-worth. Letting go means letting go. Declutter your messages and start anew.
  • Do not fake fun. Wag kang magpapanggap na masaya kung hindi ka naman talaga masaya. You’re only entering an emotion fight with someone who ghosted you. When they see you happy after the ghosting (maybe through a friend), he or she will believe that what they’ve done is okay. Do not also overexpose your grief. Talk casually like you normally do, be gone for a month or two and just come back when you’re truly fine and reconstructed. Make them feel bad, but don’t make them pity you.
  • Realize that it their shortcomings not yours. Yung tanong na bakit? Sa una lang iyon, pero it should never hold you back. You’re worthy of love, you deserve an explanation. If mistakenly they’ve not given that to you and just bailed untraced, at least you don’t end up having a relationship with a coward.

Thoughts from WeInform:

It is truly difficult to communicate, we may say: ayaw mong makasakit, ayaw mong maka-disappoint. But instead of facing it, you turn your back and left without a word. Being alone with nothing is more damaging than being left with a lie, at least we can fool ourselves in holding to a lie rather than asking so many questions that are intentionally unanswered.

However, we cannot teach and dictate someone how he or she wants to live their lives, more so how to love. If someone is destined to leave, he or she will leave with or without an explanation. So, the best way to cope with ghosting is not to teach people “not to ghost” but to teach ourselves to deal with it. This is not normalizing ghosting, this is encouraging people to not define themselves through the actions of their family, their friends, and their lovers, because we define our worth. If someone ghosted us and cannot love us the way we are. That is their choice but never our fault.

Leave a Comment